This year at Christmas we had fifteen grown lunatics and a five year old, who likes a good play. So off we went. This Subversive Nativity Play has a cast of around twelve. Hit it mid-afternoon after a few drinks so the ad-libs are still on the right side of funny. Our best ad-lib was Jesus, who wandered in mid-play wanting his bed back.
Cinderella: lying in a manger. This was meant to be the 5-year-old, who got shy. So replaced by a bloke who did a sterling job. Suggest a wig for costume.
Three Elves: costume = elf hats.
Three wise girls: costume = crowns. Ours carried gifts of a bottle of Tequila Gold, A cigar because we didn’t know what frankincense was, and a bottle of Myrrh-low.
Mr Top Hat (or the Fat Controller, how PC are you?): costume= a top hat.
Santa Claus: costume = a santa hat.
Angels: anyone in the audience. Costume = tinsel halo
Jesus: We had a guest who was Jesus’s twin and rocked a crown of thorns.
Narrator: Costume = a floral hat
So here you are, a Subversive Christmas Nativity Play featuring Cinderella.
A girl looked up from a manger one day
T’was round about Christmas, the sky fully grey
She thought about elves, far, far away
Who’d spend lives making presents on minimum pay
Elf 1: I’m an elf
Elf 2: I’m an elf
Elf 3: I’m an elf, too. Sewing and cutting and sticking with glue
Making presents for lumbering wallops like you!
Top Hat: Back to work Elflings! I’ll have none of this!
Stick that on properly, there’s a bit there you missed.
And you little Elfling, come here for a kiss
If you finish by 5 we’ll go out on the piss
Elf 1: But we promised Santa we’d finish these few
And I need a break to go to the loo
Elf 2: I need a poo
Elf 3: Me too, me too.
Elf 1: There’s still all the packing we have to get through
And then something extra special to do
Top Hat: Special! Special! I don’t know the word
All children are special, it’s just so absurd
I’m special, you’re special, even this nerd
You’re not special mate, you’re part of the herd
Angels: Um… I’m special.
Me too, I’m special.
And me. I’ve been special all my life.
Yep, And me.
Narrator: But in Nazareth this day, someone special was born
In a stable with garments tattered and torn
Cinderella lay there, and woke with a yawn
And the angels began singing as she greeted the dawn
Angels: [sing carol and all join in, slapping bums]
Bum bum bum bum
Bum bum bum bum Come, they told me, par rum bum bum bum (bum bum)
[Enter three women bearing Gold Tequila Frankinsense cigars & Merlot]
A new born king to see, par rum bum bum bum (bum bum)
Our finest gifts we bring par rum bum bum bum (bum bum)
To lay before the king
Pa rum bum bum bum, rum bum bum bum, rum bum bum bum,
So to honour him
Pa rum bum bum bum
When we come
Elf 1: They look like smart chicks. It’s meant to be wise men.
Elf 3 : Look around, Elfie. They just couldn’t find ‘em.
[If you are lucky to have a guest who looks exactly like Jesus stick a crown of thorns on his head. Ours walked across the stage, looked at Cinders in the manger and said “You’re in my bed” and wandered off. Crack up.]
Top Hat: Jesus!
I miss my friend Santa, I wish he was here
He’d sort out this lot with their Godly good cheer
He’s finished his rounds now and set loose the deer
He’s coming on over, we’re having a beer
Santa: Ho! Ho! I’m here, the fun can begin
You can swing from the hair on my chinny chin chin
[Everyone cheers Santa, who enters throwing sweeties from his bag]
I’ve been with Red Riding Hood, woah, what a day!
Though sometimes I wonder I’m in the wrong play.
[Looks at Cinders] Is this the girl all the nonsense is about?
[To Top Hat] Come on mate, you know it’s your shout
[Top Hat gives him a beer and they click and drink]
Is that Cinderella? Now what should I do?
I’ve bloody gone and forgotten the shoe!
Elf 1: Hey Santa, what’s up? That’s not how you go
You struggle down chimneys through sleet and through snow
Now Cinders is waiting and pleased that you’re back
I hope you’ve got something good in your sack
Santa: Buggery bollocks, I haven’t a thing
I gave all the gifts to a girl in Beijing
She danced round a pole, that girl could sure swing
And all the bells rang pure ding-a-ling
Wise girl 1: Sweet Cinders we bring you gifts from abroad
Better by far than Santa’s mean hoard
Here’s gold for your favour, praise be the Lord
Share it with friends and you’ll be adored.
Santa: Bloody hell Wise Girl, you can’t give her that
If that’s not Tequila then I’ll eat my hat
Cindy can’t have it, ’twill just make her fat.
Give it here and I’ll test it out with Top Hat.
Wise girl 2: Sweet Cinders, you look like a sensitive type
This frankincense really is worth all the hype
It’s rolled up with baccy and has quite a bite
Smoke it and feel how your head goes all light
Santa: For God’s sake, you Wise Girl, what is your point?
Next you’ll be rolling wee Cinders a joint.
Isn’t frankincense something you’re meant to anoint?
I’m confiscating this, that’s a lesson you’ve … um … loint [Takes cigar]
Wise girl 3: Here’s myrrh for you Cinders, it comes with a “low”
Fine Merlot from Hawke’s Bay tied up in a bow
We’ll drink it together, just let yourself go
You can bugger off Santa –
you’re wasted. Hope you’re not getting on your sleigh in that condition.
Santa: You’re such a wise girl, but you’re talking rot
You think I’ve been tippling? I’ve had not a jot…
Well, perhaps the odd sherry, that tasted like snot
So I’m taking this, give it up now, fair cop. [Takes merlot]
Narrator: And so Santa and Top Hat were merry with drink
They picked up the elves with a nod and a wink…
[Santa & Top Hat wink at elves, who wrap themselves around them]
The Wise Girls were wise girls and left in a blink
But was it all over ? Well so you might think…
But then Santa played a game of Tom Thumb
[Santa takes a wrapped present out of bag]
Reached down in his sack and pulled out a plum
Surprises like this, don’t often come
And he said:
Santa: Well bugger me. This one doesn’t have a name on it.
Here, beardy face, see if you can find out who it belongs to.
[throws present to guest with a beardy face]
[All the cast whips hats off and join the audience.]
Narrator: And then in a blink, Santa was gone
He and his mates became part of the throng
With no hats they settled in with the rest
So now our story moves on to a quest.
Beardy-face has a present, it’s owner unknown
Cinderella waits patiently there on her throne
What happens now? … let’s open and see
If the present belongs to you or to me?
[Beardy-face opens the present. It’s the gaudiest slipper for a five year old: sparkly and feathered. There is only one. He tries it on everyone before finally deciding it’s Cinderalla’s – hopefully Cindy is in the manger, if she’s shy, like ours, of course she still gets the slipper. We ignored her disappointment that there was only one slipper. Later we played pass the parcel and the prize was the matching slipper.]
Have yourselves a very Merry Christmas.